flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
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A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Ugh but profoundly
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.