[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
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Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”