Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
You Might Also Like
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich