Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
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I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.