I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
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[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
May have had one breakfast too many
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.