A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
You Might Also Like
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I created you as mosquito food.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.