I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
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Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Teach your children to beatbox
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.