*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
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My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.