*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
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*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
What the hell is going on?
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
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Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
the composer
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids