Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
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Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.