Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
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No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Festive toon…
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions