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Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
ACED my prostate exam!
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.