Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
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Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….