Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
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MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
LOL!
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more