Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
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ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Ugh but profoundly
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI