billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
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Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Have a lovely day 😊
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.