Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
You Might Also Like
ATMs should have breathalyzers
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”