Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
You Might Also Like
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
A little too much information.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee