2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
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*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
🙁
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
mentally somewhere in italy
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.