ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
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I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.