I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
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[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
i installed a ceiling fan in my room