My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
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My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.