Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
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[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
#Caturday
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Canadian owl: Eh?
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice