once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
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I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold