Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
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receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.