I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
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Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”