My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
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*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Not all heroes wear capes.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”