One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
You Might Also Like
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.