[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
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He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite