[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
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She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*