“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
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Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Super Hand Dog Face
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…