My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
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we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.