Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
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OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Shortcut
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow