the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
You Might Also Like
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
work smarter, not harder
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.