Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
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I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes