Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
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The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
how it started vs how it ended
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Finally!