The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
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My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others