My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
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My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?