I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
You Might Also Like
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.