I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
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Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?