I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
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The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Terribly Tuesday.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich