“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
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I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.