Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
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Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
the rocks need my help
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS