[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
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Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
You can’t rush stupid.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.