Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
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– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed