Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
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Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
TRAIN’S HERE
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
If I ignore life will it go away?
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear