IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
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Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
This will never not be funny 😭
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real