rich people when they have to pay taxes
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[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
yeet
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.