Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
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Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
courtroom exchange of the day
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I’m calling the cops.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
My current situation
is this meant to deter me
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them