Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
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[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
ready to be harvested
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.